A Cannabis Legalization Christmas Carol

Evidently, it takes half a month to translate the cannabis legalization task farce report.

You’d think being a bilingual country, the task farce team would have translated everything as they went.

But, like a poor college student who parties all throughout the semester only to study and complete all his projects in the last week, the task farce waited until the very end.

I bet I could find a translator willing to do it for $5 on Fiverr. And if I increase that rate to, say, $500, I could probably get the report translated well before mid-December.

But alas, this is how government works. They spend gratuitous amounts of money that isn’t theirs on boondoggles and feet-dragging.

So, for this year’s Christmas season, cannabis users will be visited by the ghosts of cannabis past, present, and future.

First, the past: Harper’s regime hasn’t gone anywhere. The ghosts of prohibition still linger, the LPs remain the only legal sources.

Only the propaganda has changed, which brings us to the present. Cannabis is going to be legalized not because we are self-owning human beings who can make our own rational and irrational decisions. 

And certainly, legalization is not happening because the war on drugs is an unjust war on people. Remember, in the halls of bureaucracy, government can do no wrong. As Randolph Bourne said, war is the health of the state.

Cannabis must be legalized, so says the Fidel Castro-loving former drama teacher, because it is the government’s job to keep the medicinal herb out of the hands of children. 

Or, in other words, prohibition is still on for people — possibly — under 25 years old. 

Since prohibition worked so well before, I’m sure “minors” will find themselves clean and sober despite their best efforts.

Cannabis is also becoming legal in order to keep it out of the hands of organized crime, meaning, the people who’ve actually been growing and supplying cannabis for decades. 

So, in spite of all that peaceful commerce, the current farmers and vendors will not be welcomed into legalization.

Which brings to the ghost of cannabis future: the task farce report that will indicate how restrictive this new regime will be. 

The future of cannabis legalization rests with this report. And we can’t read it because French-speaking Canadians are seemingly incapable of using Google Translate. 

But just like how Scrooge’s evil ways led to the death of little Timmy (spoiler alert), an overly restrictive regime will lead to the death and illness of children who should be using cannabis as medicine.

As well as the death of the planet, which is suffocating on pollution while governments ban hemp industrialization or at least severely restrict it.

But like Scrooge, governments can change. 

The British rejected the European Union, Americans rejected Hillary Clinton, and a number of Canadians took offense to Justin’s “on behalf of all Canadians” eulogy for a murderous Cuban dictator.

When Ottawa and their cronies come for BC Bud, a similar populist response will be waiting.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.