This pandemic is hitting the economy pretty hard. Orgasms are free but for loads of people, hard to come by. In the age of social distancing, getting laid has gotten scary. Living through this pandemic is stressful enough but if COVID-19 is cockblocking you, life is a special kind of hell. Thankfully, The BC Center for Disease Control is not blind to this struggle. Recognizing the sexless peril all over the province; these heroes have released their recommendations on safe sex, COVID style. Even better, they didn’t hold back. Oh no. Like a group of big brothers giving a pre-date pep talk, they went there. Oh yes, they did and it’s so awesome. Buckle in because the bedrooms in BC are about to get hot and heavy. Here are COVID-19 sex tips on how to bang during COVID-19, according to the ultimate wingman, the BC Center for Disease Control.
The BC CDC is sex-positive
Talking to reporters on a CBC program, Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said, “There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation. What’s done in private between adults doesn’t concern the criminal code.” It was 1967 and the times were different. But from that moment on, the avenues of government began to slowly let their hair down. Today the approach is refreshingly practical. According to the BC Center for Disease Control, getting laid is good for your mind, body, and soul. Even during a pandemic, you can get off and stay safe with COVID-19 sex tips from the BC Center for Disease Control; in fact, it’s recommended. Refreshingly, the only thing to avoid is slut-shaming. Discouraging others from doing it can prevent a person from seeking out sexual health services. So remember to do you part and help out by being a Debbie Ding-dong, not a Debbie Downer!
If you’re feeling sick avoid sex
If you’re not feeling well or suspect you have COVID-19, skip the sex. Worst case scenario, you infect the person you’re sleeping with. Best case, you have an orgasm when really, you should be resting. But if you can’t seem to help yourself, go play a little air guitar… doctor’s orders!
Covid-19 spreads through coughing and sneezing but it has also been found in semen and poop. Still, the question remains, can this virus pass by way of the genitals? Alas, we still don’t know. If you’re about to make love, know your partner’s medical history and at least mask up. If they have a compromised immune, avoid any risky business in the bedroom, as well as on the daily.
Get freaky
Whoever came up with these recommendations deserves a raise, simply because of how freaky they are. This ain’t no white wedding, vanilla missionary kind of romance; it’s raw passion, BC CDC style. Here is how they’d like to see us burn it up in bed…
Solo sex
Single? No biggie! If you’re healthy and you know it, masturbate. That’s right. If you’re feeling good physically, you should probably go to your bedroom and physically feel yourself. According to the experts, “You are your safest sex partner. Masturbating by yourself (solo sex) will not spread COVID-19.” Uh, thank god for that because if playing with yourself was all it took, it would be the end of the human race.
Mutual Masturbation
Feel a little lonely playing with yourself? Bring a buddy! It’s ok as long as you both remember to keep social distance!
Yes to dick pics
Do you know where you can’t get COVID-19? Online. The BC CDC suggests dating online, having phone sex through talk and/or text and, filming your own amateur porn. Not enough for you? Invite more friends to a “group cam room” for some pandemic fun, approved by the experts. Worried about protecting your privacy? No need because they give the most amazing advice! Don’t show any identifying body parts! Take close-ups, for example, dick pics.
Glory holes
In Britain, pop singer George Michael was once arrested for exposing himself in a public washroom. He showed his penis to another consenting adult male but the British are prudes. In British Columbia however, it’s now recommended. As outrageous and ridiculous as it sounds, the BC Center for Disease Control is actually promoting the use of glory holes. In fact, that term is listed word for word on the website. The logic is understandable because having a barrier between people will help prevent viral transmission. Still, many concerns remain:
- This language is encouraging sex in public because an at-home Gloryhole defeats the purpose.
- If using a gloryhole is going mainstream, it’s safe to say that there is a shortage.
- Where the hell are we going to drill all of these glory holes and who is going to set the standard on height? Will there be stools and step ladders to aid British Columbians?
- Accessing a vagina via glory hole is no easy feat; so, that’s going to have to be thought out as well.
We all have to adapt to this situation if we want to keep each other safe. So, let’s all take care of ourselves and each other and follow the COVID-19 sex tips from The BC Center for Disease Control. Remember, slut-shaming can spread disease so be responsible, celebrate and masturbate; six feet apart if you’re doing it with a friend! Also, take close up pictures of your private parts and send them to people you meet online, get into webcamming and whenever possible, visit a glory hole!